


The Debrief Tango

by OlyaNeverWrites



Series: Alex Rider Musical Fics [1]
Category: Alex Rider - Anthony Horowitz, Chicago (2002)
Genre: Crack, Gen, Song Lyrics, Song Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-07
Updated: 2021-01-07
Packaged: 2021-03-18 07:00:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,136
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28613976
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OlyaNeverWrites/pseuds/OlyaNeverWrites
Summary: Alex Rider has racked up quite a body count during his missions. He is also, canonically, a good singer. What if he were to try to explain away these many deaths... through song? Covering events fromStormbreakerthroughArk Angel, and with a guest appearance from a not-so-dead Yassen Gregorovich. Parody of theCell Block Tangofrom the musicalChicago.
Series: Alex Rider Musical Fics [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2173812
Comments: 6
Kudos: 17





	The Debrief Tango

**Author's Note:**

> All Russian was run through Google Translate, so I apologize for the mistakes in advance and will happily take corrections!

Pox  
Six  
Squish  
Uh uh  
Scorpia  
Space shit

And now, the six-time merry murder-suspect teen spy of MI6  
In his rendition of the mission debrief

Scorpia  
Space shit

Pox  
Six  
Squish  
Uh uh  
Scorpia  
Space shit

Pox, six, squish, uh-uh, Scorpia, space shit  
Pox, six, squish, uh-uh, Scorpia, space shit  
Pox, six, squish, uh-uh, Scorpia, space shit  
He had it comin'  
He had it comin'  
He only had himself to blame  
If you'd have been there  
If you'd have seen it  
I betcha you would have done the same  
Pox, six, squish, uh-uh, Scorpia, space shit  
Pox, six, squish, uh-uh, Scorpia, space shit

You know how people have these little evil plans that get you down  
Like Herod  
Herod, he tried to release a superbug  
No, not just a superbug, smallpox  
So I got kidnapped this one day after I stop him  
And I'm really irritated  
And I'm looking for a little bit o' sympathy  
And there's Herod talkin’ about how I foiled his plan, waving a gun, and whinin'  
Yes, still whinin’  
About the smallpox  
So, I said to him, I said “You whine about your stupid plan one more time”  
And he did  
Then my assassin frenemy shows up in a helicopter  
And he fires two warning shots  
Right into his chest

He had it comin'  
He had it comin'  
He only had himself to blame  
If you'd have been there  
If you'd have heard it  
I betcha you would have done the same

I met Hugo Grief when '6 sent me to the French Alps a few months ago  
And he told me he was just a teacher  
And I immediately wanted to run away  
So, of course I was forced to live there  
He'd teach his classes, I’d try to find out what the heck was going on  
I'd try to contact MI6, they wouldn’t respond  
And then I found out  
“Just a teacher" he told me  
Teacher, my ass  
Not only was he a nutty scientist  
Oh no, he had sixteen clones  
One of those Nazis, you know  
So that night when he tried to vivisect me  
I got escaped without help, as usual  
You know, some guys just can't handle a snowmobile to their helicopter

He had it comin'  
He had it comin'  
He took a Rider  
In his prime  
And then he used him  
And he abused him  
It was a murder  
But not a crime

(Uh-uh, Scorpia, space shit)

Now, I'm standing in a shipyard in Murmansk  
Tryin' to stop an impending nuclear explosion  
Minding my own business  
In storms my kidnapper General Sarov in an apocalyptic rage after impaling my CIA “friends”  
"You screwed up my plans, " he says  
He was crazy  
And he kept on screamin'  
“You screwed up my plans”  
And then he pulled out his gun  
I told him he wasn’t my dad and he shot himself in the head

If you'd have been there  
If you'd have seen it  
I betcha you would have done the same!

Я снова увидел этого глупого мальчика  
Я пытался убить его друга  
Потом Саша последовал за мной на мою яхту  
Когда я проснулся, он направил пистолет мне в лицо  
Поэтому я заставил его драться с быком  
Но он не сдавался!  
В конце концов мой глупый работодатель попытался убить Сашу, и вместо этого меня застрелили.  
И эта сумасшедшая девушка столкнула его с самолета.  
Yeah, but did you kill Cray?  
Uh uh, not guilty!

[Yassen is dragged away to an MI6 cell for the one crime he didn't actually commit. He is annoyed, but will escape eventually.]

My dad, John, was apparently a world-class assassin  
And this dying assassin, Yassen, told me to  
"Find Scorpia, and find my destiny"  
So being a stupid fourteen-year-old, I did  
Venice, palazzos, tigers, near drowning, assassin school,  
A much older women named Julia who was creepily obsessed with my dad and me  
One right after the other  
So this one night after two weeks of assassin 101  
They send me to kill the Deputy Director of MI6 Operations Mrs. Jones  
Who they _said_ killed my dad  
So I go try to do that  
And I fail, MI6 brings me in  
And I find out that _Scorpia_ blew up my parents’ plane all along!  
And now they’re trying to kill all the British kids  
With some anti-vaxxer pandering plot  
And Julia and co are launching it from a hot air balloon  
Well, I was in such a state of shock  
I completely blacked out, I can't remember a thing  
It wasn't until later  
When I was looking at the fiery remains of the crashed balloon  
I even knew they were dead

They had it comin' (they had it comin')  
They had it comin' (they had it comin')  
They had it comin' all along  
I didn't do it (he didn't do it)  
But if I'd done it (but if he’d done it)  
How could you tell me that I was wrong?  
They had it comin' (they had it comin')  
They had it comin' (they had it comin')  
They had it comin' all along (they took a Rider in its prime)  
I didn't do it (and then they used him)  
But if I'd done it  
How could you tell me that I was wrong?

I did not expect any space shit  
More than I can possibly say  
Here I was, recovering from a sniper shot to the chest  
Keeping this rich kid with appendicitis company  
But then this eco-terrorist called Kaspar tries to kidnap him  
And I end up going on vacation with his billionaire dad (which should’ve been a red flag)  
And on vacation  
The dad, Drevin, tried to blow up his own space hotel  
So the CIA shot me up there to stop it  
And I ran into the eco-terrorist again  
I guess you could say Drevin’s whole plot blew up  
Because of artistic differences  
He saw Kaspar as alive  
And I saw him dead

The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum  
The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum  
They had it comin' (they had it comin')  
They had it comin' (they had it comin')  
They had it comin' all along  
'Cause if they used us ('cause if they used us)  
And they abused us (and they abused us)  
How could you tell us that we were wrong?  
He had it comin' (he had it comin')  
He had it comin' (he had it comin')  
He only had himself to blame (he only had himself to blame)  
If you'd have been there (if you'd have been there)  
If you'd have seen it (if you'd have seen it)  
I betcha you would have done the same  
You whine about pox one more time! Teacher my ass  
Not my dad! глупый мальчик  
Anti-vaxxer pandering hot balloon plot  
Artistic differences  
Pox  
Six  
Squish  
Uh uh  
Scorpia  
Space shit

**Author's Note:**

> This was fun and stupid and I might do it again, let me know what you think!


End file.
